arythmia

the doc is slowing down my heart with meds to get it back on rhythm. i was feeling strangely last week and it turns out it is my heart murmur on the fritz. 3 days on the meds and lots of improvement. i've been working as usual, but also sleeping my butt off.

and now i have a sinus infection on top of it.
could be worse.

i really love the accessibility of the medical center. it should be like this everywhere. i just drop in, get an EKG, see the doc, meds prescribed and given - all within an hour. they'll have a specialist check me out on land. this is how general practices should be!
this run-around medical system we have on land is ridiculously inefficient.

we had a medical emergency on board earlier this week. there was an announcement made to the crew looking for the appropriate blood needed and we deviated our course to bring the patient to the medical facilities in cozumel.
guests complain to guest services about how their vacation is ruined because we missed grand cayman because of the emergency. we even went to another port, by the way.

they also complain if it's raining. they expect some sort of discount. we have a joke amongst ourselves that we'll give them mother nature's number and they can talk to her about it. why do people think that carnival controls the weather? this is why your cruise is cheaper than if you went in the summer, people! that's your discount.

i don't have to deal with that stuff. i just hear about it.

i still could go for a whole day off, though. my last one was november 5th. crossing my fingers that december 3rd will turn out that way.

love and palpitations,
jamie

the strength and beauty of the butterfly is in his wings

Some sort of large insect wing just fell into my lap and it's incredible how strong the structure of it is. I pinched it between two fingers and held it in the wind. It held up really well and the vibrations where a really neat feeling.



Every week is a new week. Never quite the same-old-same-old. We’ve swapped ports on Wed and Fri because another ship has changed course, and so we need to alleviate congestion. So now on Wed we’re in Cozumel and Friday in Roatan.

This change prompts other changes in the structure of our show itinerary and so, while they’re the same shows, there are many other small facets to account for. Overall, it’s nice. It keeps it fresh. I love that our Cruise Director is working so hard to craft our activities so precisely to fit the days. Although it’s ultimately to please the guests, and thus to get good ratings, and to bring in more money, it feels like a respectable art. I work in the Entertainment industry. And I work for a corporation. Our number one goal is the guest satisfaction. We do not do Art here, but there is an art to what we do. Somehow this satisfies me for the time being.

I really appreciate how involved this Cruise Director allows me to be. He welcomes ideas and feedback. I have been the catalyst for a few small changes and because I’ve been allowed to make a difference it feels so good, especially in this corporate environment.

Went clothes shopping with Amanda and Hanna (the Art Associate) on Sunda. I sacrificed phone time with the parents today because this was also a welcome change from the norm. It was so nice to have girl time. Amanda and I are already pretty attached at the hip, in fact, twice now I’ve been accidentally called Amanda. And my parents are getting a little too spoiled with the weekly phone calls ;)

Amanda's filling in for the Music Director while he is on vacation for a week and I get to benefit from that. She gets to use his swanky guest cabin, so we had a mini cabin party Sunday night with Hannah.
This also means that I pretty much get our cabin to myself for the week. I have already begun to miss her.

I needed her to calm me down last night when Security wouldn't let me into the club because on formal night you have to be either dressed in formal uniform or gussied up - but I was wearing my formal uniform. It just doesn't actually look formal. I wasn't even there to hang out. I was trying to find Karen to bag out on staying up late. Then I ended up staying up late writing a complaint to my supervisor and then stayed up even later being wound up and restless.

My mom’s neighbor’s parents and sister (Karen) are cruising this week. It’s almost like having family on board, though I had never met them before. So silly.

I also have reconnected with a friend who is working on another ship. We have been in Roatan on the same day every other week, but haven’t been meeting up. Now we've reconnected, but now we’re indefinitely not in port together. Grr.

Busy week this week. We added a performance for just this week for the crew, we have two maintenance days, and the fleet supervisor for my position is with us for the week checkin stuff out. In fact, I really shouldn't be out on the internet right now, but for some reason, he gave me his blessing. I feel guilty, so will not be out long. I really should be there working on stuff. :/

Hmmm

Love and responsibilities,
Jamie

4 months and some change

I received a letter from Andrew today that made me burst into tears in the mess. I have always loved how he writes and have saved every letter. The walls of my cabin are decorated with the cards and letters he has sent while I’ve been away. This letter in particular touched me because it said much of the same things I had just written to him in letter that was sealed and ready to mail today.

What I keep seeing, maybe because I want to see it, is that we’re both doing some beautiful personal growing that we agree was hindered by our relationship.

I told my mother in July that I miss having a boyfriend. What I have more recently discovered, and just wrote in my letter, is that I miss having someone around whose presence I can be in without having to be in their presence - where we are together, but in our own worlds. I miss that level of comfortableness and familiarity.

I only discovered that about myself while writing that letter to him. That’s not something that Andrew expressed to me. That is part of my personal journey.

Of course I reminisce about our relationship. When I do, I try to remember to see both the good and the hard stuff together so I don’t let one side of the memory override - so I don’t see it all rosy when I’m lonely or throw it all away when I am frustrated. And when I think about other potential relationships, I start to outline for myself my needs and wants and end up debating if it will ever compare to what I had.

And when everything seems like it’ll only ever fall short, I struggle with the thought of the possibility of getting back together with Andrew; I fear complacency. I fear that I will succumb to the familiar and comfortable. That it is too easy or lazy or weak or something. Where’s the adventure? But then again, if we were to, say, one day get back together, it’s all going to be improved with the bonus of that shared history. Maybe better. Maybe not.

Of course, I’m not going to prescribe this. But this is what is on the shared mind. The maybe-we-again.

I also miss lots about that part of my life. I haven’t talked with his family in a long time. He gives me updates here and there. I finally called his parents today, but then realized I wasn’t sure whose answering machine I reached since his sister and her family moved out there. I left a slightly awkward message, but I hope that what was said underneath is that I really love them and only just now gave myself permission to contact them again. They aren’t written out of my life. I just wasn’t sure about the boundaries until now.

I now have this collection of letters and emails from Andrew that reconnect me to his family through their news. I wonder what it’s like for his family to have me disappear. I was brought into the fold a long time ago by his parents and was really only feeling fully included just recently. What does this break/up do to that?

I really wish I could share some of the really cool stuff he has written, but that’s not for me to do. We’ll just have to settle with my moderate expression of the impact it has on me to hear his voice through his hand and that we’re both on good paths. They will intersect once again. Time will tell if they will run parallel again.

Love and more love,
Jamie

one delightful day

day i lost count

let me tell you about sunday.
went on an adventure with nathan to dadeland south to find guitar center. with half an hour to kill, we tried to find a breakfast place and after much walking, found one that magically happened to be right next to guitar center. do not underestimate the coincidence of this.

then a $50 cab ride to get back to the ship on time whilst eating croissant sandwiches that must have had some sort of happy drug in them because we both became giggly and very pleased.

a little stress on my part from having realized i double booked myself in volunteering to help two people at the same time. once that was straightened out, i was doing "just ask" where you answer oncoming guests' questions. because of my cocaine sandwich, i had a blast and was dancing around the lobby while JD played guitar and i danced with Funship Freddy, our mascot (and a friend) in full body costume.

then at the entertainment staff meeting, i was awarded "employee of the two months" (working title) for being awesome. my prize is dinner for two at the steakhouse.

this day was also halloween and i dressed up as the assistant cruise director, Gayve. he has long curly hair, wears his ties tied short, and crazy socks. also, he is a man, so he has bushier eyebrows and sideburns. so, if you see a funny looking picture of me with other people in costume, just know that the inside joke was a big hit.

also, starting the night off with a shot of tequila followed by a couple of double sidecars made the rest of the night very silly.

that combined wiht losing one of the hair extensions i borrowed for the costume, and the quest to find it... thank goodness for amanda.

now that i have this steakhouse certificate, i have a lot of new best-friends - and a lot of half-serious sexual favor proposals.
this tells you how good the food is at the restaurant, especially compared to that of the mess. and how silly/desperate my friends are.

love and hair pieces,
jamie