4 months and some change

I received a letter from Andrew today that made me burst into tears in the mess. I have always loved how he writes and have saved every letter. The walls of my cabin are decorated with the cards and letters he has sent while I’ve been away. This letter in particular touched me because it said much of the same things I had just written to him in letter that was sealed and ready to mail today.

What I keep seeing, maybe because I want to see it, is that we’re both doing some beautiful personal growing that we agree was hindered by our relationship.

I told my mother in July that I miss having a boyfriend. What I have more recently discovered, and just wrote in my letter, is that I miss having someone around whose presence I can be in without having to be in their presence - where we are together, but in our own worlds. I miss that level of comfortableness and familiarity.

I only discovered that about myself while writing that letter to him. That’s not something that Andrew expressed to me. That is part of my personal journey.

Of course I reminisce about our relationship. When I do, I try to remember to see both the good and the hard stuff together so I don’t let one side of the memory override - so I don’t see it all rosy when I’m lonely or throw it all away when I am frustrated. And when I think about other potential relationships, I start to outline for myself my needs and wants and end up debating if it will ever compare to what I had.

And when everything seems like it’ll only ever fall short, I struggle with the thought of the possibility of getting back together with Andrew; I fear complacency. I fear that I will succumb to the familiar and comfortable. That it is too easy or lazy or weak or something. Where’s the adventure? But then again, if we were to, say, one day get back together, it’s all going to be improved with the bonus of that shared history. Maybe better. Maybe not.

Of course, I’m not going to prescribe this. But this is what is on the shared mind. The maybe-we-again.

I also miss lots about that part of my life. I haven’t talked with his family in a long time. He gives me updates here and there. I finally called his parents today, but then realized I wasn’t sure whose answering machine I reached since his sister and her family moved out there. I left a slightly awkward message, but I hope that what was said underneath is that I really love them and only just now gave myself permission to contact them again. They aren’t written out of my life. I just wasn’t sure about the boundaries until now.

I now have this collection of letters and emails from Andrew that reconnect me to his family through their news. I wonder what it’s like for his family to have me disappear. I was brought into the fold a long time ago by his parents and was really only feeling fully included just recently. What does this break/up do to that?

I really wish I could share some of the really cool stuff he has written, but that’s not for me to do. We’ll just have to settle with my moderate expression of the impact it has on me to hear his voice through his hand and that we’re both on good paths. They will intersect once again. Time will tell if they will run parallel again.

Love and more love,
Jamie